September 27, 2013

A little lifetime...

Today after posting on Facebook, a little note about the memory of my little Jack, who we lost at 9 days old 14 years ago, I was met with some of the kindest words from some of the kindest women I know. 
I am so humbled by the women I have met in my much strength and love and perseverance and fortitude.  We have to support one another. 
But a thought came to mind of what I was going through back then... I had this immediate need to 'fix' it ... We weren't getting a new brother in the was I going to 'fix' this? 

We want to fix women, we hate to see our loved ones suffer, so we will go to whatever means necessary to 'fix' it .... who hasn't taken the forgotten permission slip to school?  Or the forgotten lunch?  Those are the simple things...but how was I going to find a brother? 
I know, it sounds nuts...but it's how I felt. I didn't want to let them down. But he was gone...this was out of my control. 
Acceptance for a mother who likes to 'fix' and 'rescue' and 'make it all better' was difficult. 
And then after a year of numb, another 6 months of grief that eventually made an appearance, and finally getting an unexpected job as a hostess in a nearby bistro, I realized that I needed to quit looking in and begin looking out.  I couldn't live 'inside' myself anymore. Because honestly, it just wasn't about me.  Jack's death among other very difficult events that took place at that time were, in fact, more about finding the life outside of me. 

I only had Jack for 9 short days....not 9 months, not 9 years.  Jack lived his full life in 9 days.  His life was never a promise to me.  And I learned that none of my children were born with promises...
There is no guarantee that our loved ones will live long lives, be without disease, make all kinds of money, go to get them for moments. We just have to embrace these moments. But we also have to let them go...take while we embrace their moments on earth, we also have to set them free. 
How much time do I spend planning for the future?  It's an odd thought when I really dig into it.  It shows me how little I embrace each day... rather I have been looking at everything BUT today! 

Obviously, we can't live without some for college, a vacation, when I'm getting my next cup of coffee....  But what about the people?  Do we really look into the eyes of our kids or our spouses when we have a conversation?  Really...just look right into your little boy's eyes when he speaks to you...he's talking to YOU...He wants YOU to hear him....He picked YOUR ears for his important words. Now stop what you're doing and look at him!

What can we 'fix' BECAUSE we are here...because we are alive and breathing...because we have second chances....
I realized that there is no time to sit idle....I need to be looking for all the things I can fix within my power.
I will run the lunch money to the school, I will get those homecoming clothes, I will go 10 miles out of my way while in KC to get a hug and a short visit, I will bring you Gatorade when you're sick and its way out of my way, and I will sit with you and listen, really listen to you...since you chose me to hear your big idea. 

I know these words of mine are the ideal and I fall short big time! I know on many occasions I have not engaged while being spoken to. But it's in my heart to do better. It's in my big {future} picture to take better care of myself so I can be at the ready when I'm needed.  Kids, family, friends...I'll go where you need me because I don't have any promises that I will have you for even one more day.

I love you